Asian Food – A brief History

Historians would have you believe that Asian food was created in the early 19th Century as a means of combatting diseases such as Polio and Tennis Elbow, but recent advances in Geospatial Surveying have revealed that Polio is actually a water-sport and that Asian food was largely developed as a drunken bet.

While the specifics of the drunken bet are as well defined as the abs on the The Obesus Etruscus (History BITCHES!! ), scholars agree that a rendition of Hotel California was almost certainly sung.

To demonstrate the validity of these claims, PIFB present the following:

Shrimp Paste

A staple of Thai cooking, Shrimp paste is pronounced (Waht-da-fok) in the local language. Shrimp paste is made by leaving small prawns in the sun until they resemble the physical manifestation of food poisoning. At this point they are ground into a powder using a frozen cat carved into the shape of a rolling pin. The shrimp then is mixed with herbs and seminal fluid to create a taste that is a cross between fish sauce and despair.

shrimp paste

Bangkok Shrimp Paste Factory

Century Eggs

They stick a f@#king egg, in the f@#king ground for months then eat it.

Durian

Possessing a sweet and creamy taste, Durian has the unenviable distinction of smelling precisely how dog excrement would smell if the dog had been eating Shrimp Paste. Difficult to obtain from western grocers due to its robust smell, the flavor of Durian can be replicated by combining 1 part Coconut milk to 2 parts Compost.

durian

ALSO:  Looks like balls

Birds Nest Soup

A species of bird unique to the Northern region of China, tiny birds known as Swiftlets construct their nests from their uniquely gummy saliva. Once hardened, the Swiftlets are carefully relocated with a hammer, and the nest harvested. Combined with a delicate broth of Chicken stock and exotic fungi, Birds nest soup is a delight on the palate and the reason you should always agree to an Asian wanting to “Spit in your mouth”.

Balut

Balut is an Indonesian delicacy that consists of boiling a fertilized duck egg and consuming. While the concept of eating a bird embryo may seem distasteful to some, Indonesians argue that “Honey Boo-boo exists so f@#k you, round-eye”.

So there you have it – proof positive that Asian food was largely conceived during a drunken bet, or at the very least a fever dream that didn’t end happily.

Up next – Ten things to do with Boiled Cabbage, or the location of 10 bins in your neighbourhood.

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